㈠ 搞笑的英语句子

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车，后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数，于是老子偷了一辆然后求上帝宽恕。

2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去，而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一样死法啊！

3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
你永远不能战胜一个纯SB，因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平，然后用丰富的经验打败你。

4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

直译：在这个世界上，我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你，但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。

5、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

直译：早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！

6、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.直译：在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来的快.

7、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.直译：就象打桥牌。如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。

8、 Some people are like Slinkies,not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.直译：有些人就像Slinkies（弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去还是很有喜感。

9、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.直译：政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏了！

10、sometimes u need to look back, otherwise u will never know what u have lost in the way of forever searching.直译：偶尔要回头看看，否则永远都在追寻，而不知道自己失去了什么。

㈡ 求搞笑的英语句子，英语剧本用！

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
钞票不是万能的，有时还需要信用卡。
One should love animals. They are so tasty.
每个人都应该热爱动物，因为它们很好吃。

Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.
要节约用水，尽量和女友一起洗澡。

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
每个成功男人的背后，都有一个女人。每个不成功男人的背后，都有两个。

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚，幸福不是永久的嘛。

The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise.
聪明人都是未婚的，结婚的人很难再聪明起来。
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
成功是一个相关名词，他会给你带来很多不相关的亲戚（联系）。

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.
爱情就象照片，需要大量的暗房时间来培养。 （老外也保守，要摸黑办事，哈哈）

Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.
后排座位上的小孩会生出意外，后排座位上的意外会生出小孩。

"Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.
“现在的梦想决定着你的将来”，所以还是再睡一会吧。

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
应该有更好的方式开始新一天，而不是千篇一律的在每个上午都醒来。

"Hard work never killed anybody." But why take the risk? "
“努力工作不会导致死亡！”不过我不会用自己去证明。

"Work fascinates me." I can look at it for hours! "
“工作好有意思耶！”尤其是看着别人工作。

God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
神决定了谁是你的亲戚，幸运的是在选择朋友方面他给了你留了余地。

When two's company, three's the result!
两个人的状态是不稳定的，三个人才是！

A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.
服饰就象铁丝网，它阻止你贸然行动但并不妨碍你尽情的观看。

The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget.
The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn.
学的越多，知道的越多，知道的越多，忘记的越多，
忘记的越多，知道【第一条】
英文：Examination and many children, so that the number of honest learned cheating.
中文：考试害了多少个孩子，让多少诚实的孩子学会了作弊。
【第二条】
英文：For beautiful eyes, on the line, and told myself, my wife than they were.
中文：对于美女，看两眼就行，转身告诉自己，我老婆比她们都好。
【第三条】
英文：Did you find, those who hate you, looks very ugly.
中文：你有没有发现，那些讨厌你的人，长得都特别丑。
【第四条】
英文：Since I will play QQ, I found my pinyin is getting better and better, the study did not have this effect.
中文：自从会玩QQ后，我发现我拼音越来越好了，读书都没这效果。
【第五条】
英文：I have a flirt with hot chicks ability, but he is a girl.
中文：我空有一身泡妞的本事，可惜自己是个妞。
【第六条】
英文：I do not smoke cigarettes, is not lonely, second-hand smoke!
中文：我抽的不是烟，也不是寂寞，是二手烟！
【第七条】
英文：Examination of people rely on strength, and I rely on the rich imagination.
中文：考试有人靠的是实力，而我靠的是丰富的想象力。
【第八条】
英文：Abroad: Thought and ability is the key, the domestic: relationship and can run.
中文：国外：思想和才能才是王道，国内：关系和马屁才能横行。
【第九条】
英文：The teacher said to hear www.name2012.com and fine, I know he's salary.
中文：听到老师说又要开始罚钱，我就知道是他工资花完了。的越少，为什么学来着？

㈢ 英语幽默短句

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard and Visa.

钞票不是万能的，毕竟有时还需要信用卡。

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

每个人都应该热爱动物，因为它们很好吃。

Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.

要节约用水，所以尽量和女友一起洗澡。

Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.

要用心去爱你的邻居，不过不要让她的老公知道。

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two or more.

每个成功男人的背后，都有一个女人。每个不成功男人的背后,都有两个或更多。

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚，毕竟幸福不是永久的嘛。

The wise never marry.

聪明人都是未婚的。

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

成功是一个相关名词，它会给你带来很多不相关的亲戚。

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

不要等明天交不上差再找借口，今天就要找好。

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.

爱情就像照片，需要大量的暗房时间来培养。

Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.

后座上的小孩会生出意外，后座上的意外会生出小孩。

"Your future depends on your dreams."So go to sleep.

现在的梦想决定着你的将来，所以，还是再睡一会吧。

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.

应该有更好的方式开始新的一天，而不是千篇一律地在每个上午都醒来。

"Hard work never killed any body."But why take the risk？

努力工作不会导致死亡。但为什么要冒险呢？

㈣ 初中英语短句笑话

1、Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!

拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"
2、Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"

两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”

3、Let me take it down

An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."

为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”

“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。

4、Watering Flower In Rain
Tom:Why doyou have that watering can?
Dan:I'm going to water the flowers.
Tom:But it'd raining.
Dan:That's OK.I'm wear-ing my raincoat.

雨天浇花
汤姆：你拿喷壶做什么？
丹：我要去浇花。
汤姆：可是，在下雨呀！
丹：没关系，我穿着雨衣呢！
5、Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？

学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老师：请说说看。

学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

6 、he Fish Net

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

鱼网

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

7、The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老师

9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。

"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。

"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"

8、 A physics Examination

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?

Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

一次物理考试

在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。

这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？

尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。
9
Too Fast or Too Slow
A man was driving at 130 miles an hour when a policeman overtook him.
"Was I driving too fast,officer?"the man asked.
"NO,"the policeman answered,"You were flying too slow."
太慢或太快
一个男人正在以130英里每小时的速度行驶，当一个警察看见他时，
他问：“我开的太快了吗？警官。”
“不”，警察说，“你飞的太慢了。”

10Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
11 Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似；类似

鸟窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。
“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。
“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。
“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”

㈤ 最搞笑幽默笑话短句 英文版

1.世界那么乱，装纯给谁看。
2.距离产生的不是美，是小三。
3.人生就像打电话，不是你先挂，就是我先挂。
4.你的话，我连标点符号都不信。
5.男人的实力就是你兜里的人民币。
6.Hey,请问一下，你的棺材是翻盖的还是滑盖的？
7.2B不只是铅笔，还有你。
8.笑只是一个表情，与快乐无关。
9.早该没心没肺，不用现在撕心裂肺。
10.现在想想，还是幼儿园好混。
11.当幸福来敲门的时候，我或许不在家。
12.花花世界，是我太认真。
13.我没有那么多的感慨，仅仅想有个人陪。
14.人在悲伤的时候，不管听多么欢乐的曲子，都会止不住流泪。
15.你说你会等我回来，你是等了，还找了一个人一起等。
16.累么？累就对了，舒服是留给死人的。
17.不要对我太好，让我分不清你是爱情还是友情。
18.爱你，很久了！等你，也很久了！现在，我要离开你了，比很久很久还要久。
19.女人，长得漂亮是优势，活得漂亮是本事。
20.QQ在线率越高，证明这个人越寂寞。
21.我年轻，需要你指点，但不需要你指指点点。
22.我曾经和一个人无数次擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
23.厌倦，就是一个人吃完盘子里的食物后对盘子的感情。
24.通往成功的路，总是在施工
25.你说吧，你是想死呢还是不想活了？
26.我娘说浪子回头金不换，谁给我金子？我换。
27.这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧。
28.再逼我,再逼我就装死给你看！
29.别谢,谢完还怎么好意思向你收钱啊！
30.你是喝水,还是喝水,还是喝水?随你挑！
31.够不着吧,左脚踩右脚上试试
32.女子无才便是德，我想我一定是太缺德了。
33.收银员说没零钱了，找你两个塑料袋吧！
34.鄙视我的人那么多,你算老几?
35.交给我你就不用放心了,没有错不了的事！
36.别紧张,我不是什么好人……
37.你都不理我,那我成狗不理了！
38.有的人活着,她已经死了.有的人活着,他早该死了！
39.子曾经曰过:不要把我对你的容忍当成你不要脸的资本！
40.作为失败的典型,你实在是太成功了！
41.逃课太多，昨天想去上课，见到教授，教授惊讶地说，这么长时间不见，长这么大了。
42.说金钱是罪恶，都在捞；说美女是祸水，都想要；说高处不胜寒，都在爬；说烟酒伤身体，都不戒；说天堂最美好，都不去！
43.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌！
44.我心眼儿有些小，但是不缺；我脾气很好，但不是没有！
45.人和猪的区别就是：猪一直是猪，而人有时却不是人！
46.我花8万买了个西周陶罐，昨儿到《鉴宝》栏目进行鉴定，专家严肃地说：“这哪是西周的？这是上周的！”

㈥ 求英语中有趣的句子笑话什么都行

An old woman walked into the advertising department of her local newspaper.
"My husband has just died," she announced."How much will it cost me to place a death notice in your newspaper?"
"Our standard rates are one dollar per word, madam", said the staffer."One dollar per word, one dollar per word," the woman fretted. "OK,OK,then I`ll say only 'John died.' Yes,just put that:'
John dide'.That`s only two words, so it will be only two dollars."
"It`s one dollar per word, madam.However, we have a five dollar minimum." "In that case, make the ad say 'John died, Car for sale''"